Owens/Owens Tickets Overlooked

YEAR END POLITICAL WRAP-UP by Wolf Blitzen

I’ve heard the question asked time and time again:  with all the capable people in this country, why is it that I often despise both candidates for President? My friends, I’ve asked the same question myself.  And the answer is that sometimes the most qualified candidates can’t break through the media clutter to generate enough votes.  Take for instance, this most recent election, when we had two HIGHLY qualified but little-heard-of tickets, both from the State of Florida, and in fact, from the same household.  Consider Owens/Owens and Owens/Owens, both roundly defeated in November’s election:

REPUBLICAN TICKET:

Presidential Candidate:  MEG OWENS

Born: 5/9/96 in Covington, Louisiana

Major political advantages:  Just this past February, Meg demonstrated her patriotism when she won her school’s essay contest on the meaningful sacrifices of our men and women in uniform. She is shown below preparing to lay the wreath on the tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington Cemetery, which was the prize for her winning entry.  You can’t buy photo ops like this, folks.

Owens in Arlington

Also known for:  Stellar academic credentials.   Demonstrated compassionate conservatism, plus foreign policy expertise, by helping her mother run a fundraising effort to aid the children in the village of Bemba, Zambia. Her class raised enough to purchase 66 pairs of new Crocs shoes and two computers for the children, and learned about Africa in the process. Plus, she can practically see Cuba from her house.  Demonstrated political savvy by dressing as you-know-who for Halloween.  See below. You betcha!

"Drill, baby, drill!"

Possible skeletons in closet:  Occasional John McCain-like outbursts of anger and frustration, but this is forgivable since her younger brother opponent is REALLY annoying.  She’s only human–who wouldn’t get frustrated when their favorite lip gloss is used on the family dog? Another potential difficulty is her increasingly active solicitation of pricey shopping trips funded by the RMC (Republican Mommy Committee).

Endorsed by:  Crookshanks the cat, all the sales girls at American Eagle, texting BFFs Allison and Lizzie.

RUNNING MATE:  Betsy Owens

Born: 10/5/66 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Political creds:  Routinely reaches across the aisle (at church) to wipe runny noses and poke sleeping children.  Hispanics like her work at historic Casa Feliz. Foreign policy experience includes expert knowledge of South American chocolate and European pastries.

Potential skeletons in closet:  Four words:  University of Virginia, margaritas.  Also, recently broke campaign promise “Read my lips: I will not buy my seventh grader a cell phone!”

Enthusiastically endorsed by Publix Supermarkets PAC.

DEMOCRATIC TICKET:

Presidential Candidate:  Jack Owens

Born: 6/14/08 in Houston, Texas

Political advantages include All-American looks, athletic ability; terrific at pressing the flesh. His best buddy Owen says that Jack’s Wii skills are second only to his own. 

Owens (right) with campaign manager & best buddy Owen

Choir boy…literally. Healthy as a horse, although his opponent claims this is only because his failure to wash hands before mealtime boosts his immune system. Talk about your dirty campaigning!

Potential liabilities: Aforementioned lipgloss incident.  Also, Owens is a reluctant ladies’ man.  Frequently returns home from school with holes ripped in his uniform shirts by pigtailed playmates.

Endorsed by:  Corry the dog, the North Orlando Kiwanis Little League, and Park Maitland Dean of Students Bryan Clyne, who says “Jack has visited me in my office more than any other candidate. I know he’s a bit of a rabble-rouser, but you can’t help but like the kid.”

Owens campaigns at a Senior Center

RUNNING MATE:  Paul Owens

Born:  10/11/62 in Baltimore, Maryland

In his favor:  This man lives and breathes fiscal responsibility.  Although opponent would argue that “fiscally responsible” is just a fancy political term for “cheap.”  Also, this Owens is a real policy wonk.  Devours “The Economist” like you or I would read the Funny papers. 

Owens' wife's favorite photo

On the other hand:  May have difficulty relating to the modern voter.  Last watched TV in 1973. Thinks Nickelback is what happens when you overpay for your Sanka.  Thinks Gucci, Prada and Fendi are the cup size options at Starbucks.

So there you have it, folks. Word on the Hill is that the Owenses are already assembling their teams for 2012–Karl Rove and James Carville have both been spotted munching boiled peanuts and slurping Cheerwine near the Owens compound in Sautee-Naccoochee Valley, Georgia. So next time you’re in the voting booth, scratching your head and wondering where all the true statesmen have gone, look for the Owens/Owens ticket (on your ballot, just after Nader), and cast your vote for real change!

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